How does one person loose the capability to be happy by herself when she’s in love? Gradually her happiness is relying on the SO to respond, react, and re-assure her in certain way.
She used to be able to be happy just be alone. She found that okay and sometimes quite enjoyable. But why out of a sudden, she lost that capability? And so obsessed on the relationship and the SO?
She needs to find a way back! For herself no matter what.
This journal is to record what she has tried and how does she feel for each approach she took. She’ll be good and happy soon. Just a matter of time and keep trying.
Day 1: recreational TV shows and nap
Started the day with still thinking about the person. Then realised for a thousand times that she has done everything she can and seriously there is nothing much for her to do. So all she can do is just wait and see, but not purely wait cmon. That’s a bit boring isn’t it. She wants to find a quick fix by doing something useful and potentially beneficial. But Jeez, all the things like that are not that fun but more of a mission has to be done. Seems like a very high bar to reach when all you want is to divert your attention first. So she took an easier way — divert attention to something that’s just easy. And not much energy required — watching tv shows. Something light and just pure fun. Not too much thinking. She’s been reading and thinking too much lately and that’s so tiring. She just wants to stop and relax. In the afternoon she took a nap at the chase. Probably the best nap she has had for a very long period of time.
Day 2: drive to a new park for a run
Not an easy day to start the day with no texting. She is worried about him but thought it might be good to give him some time to recover and rest. But no contacting is really hard. She misses him all the time and thinking about where they are right now comparing to 2 month ago makes her feel sad…She tried so hard to not contacting him in the first half of the day but eventually surrender in the afternoon. Caring is just a weakness isn’t it? Why would someone love others too much and forget to love themselves back the same way? They should love themselves more isn’t it? Is this love? Or is this lust? She read books, watched videos and took a nap in the morning but feeling the urge to do something different. So in the afternoon she drove to a new suburb for a run. Just to see the places he mentioned to her. It’s a normal, a bit small but inner city suburb. Not many people on the street and the roads are kinda up and down all the time. She ran for 2km and rest a bit at the end. In the middle of the run, she was sad and just felt lonely. Like why would a relationship be this hard for her. Why she can’t just have what she wanted all the time — someone who loves her the same way she loves him. Guess everyone is different and this perticular person she is with is just beyond the imagination complex and difficult. Multiple times she asked herself, is he worth the pain? Only if she can talk herself out of this…After the run, she feels slightly better and went for grocery shopping. She couldn’t stand the day without contacting and is seriously worried about him at that stage so she broke her promise to herself messaged him. He wrote back. Feeling connected and safe again..This is not good. At night, she can finally concentrate on study but might have agreed on helping him with his work. Keep trying huh? Everywhere is saying let the man do the work and they’ll fall in love only when they do things for you…What if at this point of time, all you need is just be close to someone you want? Not sure if she’s doing the right thing…We’ll see.. At this point of time, she is relaxed and able to focus on her study which is awesome.
